Thursday, July 13, 2006

Lawn boy.

I spent all day Tuesday tending to my spread. I:

---mowed the grass
---raked the clippings (my mom made a comment last time she was here, something along the lines of, "enough with the leaving the clippings," and she has a greener thumb than Martha Stewart, so the dude abides.)
---pulled approximately 72 weeds
---pulled the grass from between the cracks in the sidewalk
---picked up five (five!) bottle rocket sticks from my back (BACK!) yard. (Side note: I'm convinced that one of the kids that lives across the street has it in for me and that he spent most of his 4th of July sneaking out of his house at three a.m. to try to burn my house down with a sparkler.)
---threw said sticks into my negligent neighbor's front yard (or at least at their front yard, since throwing a thin stick of wood over seventy feet is like really not that easy)
---picked up said sticks from my yard and, with great discontent, threw them in my garbage can
---threaded plastic wire into my weed wacker. No. Tried. That shit ain't easy.
---spread about seven bags of mulch
---cursed at the fact that twelve bags of mulch can't cover half of the trees in my yard
---cursed at the humidity, which was so bad I soaked through my shirt even with three ten-minute A/C breaks
---received eleven mosquito bites, including three on my back, through the shirt. I thought we had a deal with the mosquitoes? Through the shirt, boys? There's a line!
---hit my leg with the wire from the weed wacker, which doesn't hurt so much as cut holes in your skin
---listened to the same audio cassette four times (I still have a tape player, a rather expensive little Sony that runs on one battery and picks up WGN like a dream, but somehow doesn't have that little function that was super-sweet in the late 90s where your tape automatically turns over so you don't miss a sweet moment of ________________)

So every time you complain about your landlord or your nextdoor neighbor's penchant for ass sweat tofurkey, remember---at least you're not pretending to know how the fuck to tend a lawn.


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